THE OPTIMISTIC STORY


I’m an optimist, a relentless, uncorruptable  and incorrigible optimist. If I were married to Nini Wacera, that Nawty TV girl, I’d say, “Well, at least I’m not married to the hard partying  hot- panted Paris Hilton .” If I were married to Paris Hilton , I’d say, “Well, at least I’m not married  .” If I were married t, I’d say, “Well, at least I’m not dead.”

Yes, I have a very positive outlook on life. Sometimes I just look in the mirror and smile, for I know that although I’m not half as handsome as Brad Pitt , I’m twice as handsome as Osama bin Laden. Life is good!

Optimism keeps my spirits up, even when things aren’t going my way. Tomorrow will be better, I tell myself. My Feature story will sell tomorrow; my Heaven floodgates will open tomorrow; True love will come knocking tomorrow.Perhaps I’m lying to myself, but I’d rather do a little bit of lying than a lot of crying.

Not only can optimism make you more successful, it can make you healthier. For example, a new study indicates that optimists are far less likely to develop heart disease than pessimists.

A pessimistic rich boy  would say, “Five cars. I can’t believe I have only five cars.” An optimistic fighter would say, “Five scars. I can’t believe I have only five scars.”

Optimists tend to be more successful than pessimists, because they don’t let failures get them down. They keep trying until they achieve their goals or qualify for retirement.

In my high school days, I really wanted to play in the School’s basketball team but the only problem was I was very short  and schoolmates would call me kibwengu- Coastal lingo for a dwarf- and others would shout whenever they saw me ” mfupi kama rungu ya Moi

But I never gave up.Deep inside  I knew  That slam dunks were not in my league of dreams but then I could try dribbling. So together with my high school She, we embarked on a serious dribbling and 3 point shooting lessons, and when my tomorrow came, I was the best dribbler and three point shooter in school and man of the match during the schools district championships. My training partner who came from humble beginnings got a chance to play professionally in the States…

Of course, being over optimistic can be disastrous. An over optimistic driver may neglect to wear a safety belt, an over optimistic presidential candidate may forget to campaign in his constituency, and an over optimistic mother may rely on
her husband to keep an eye on the baby during the world cup rugby  game. “Honey, the good news is my team won. The bad news is I sat on the baby.

Some folks say they are neither optimists  nor pessimists. They call themselves realists. But what exactly is reality? Was it realistic for Nelson Mandela, serving 27 years in the Boer run  Robben Island, to imagine himself as president?

Here are two scenarios to illustrate the importance of
optimism:

SCENARIO ONE: Your Girlfriend has just left you for another man.
Realist: “It’s the end of my love.”
Pessimist: “It’s the end of my life.”
Optimist:
It’s the end of my credit card bills.”

SCENARIO TWO: After an accident, you lose your sense of
hearing.
Realist: “I may never hear again.”
Pessimist: “I may never communicate again.”
Optimist: “I may never listen to Beyonce   again.”

If that doesn’t sell you on optimism, I don’t know what
will.

Why all these optimism story. Me want to resign from work tomorrow morning but thats all a story of tomorrow but one.

Right now  Pilato  got rush  church for evening service and then sit back laters and watch Springboks devour the Pumas in the Rugby World cup.

Wish you an optimistic week.

HELP…MAN CAN’T COOK


Hungry and wasted the other day, I tiptoed into the kitchen and tried to fix myself some hard thing  .That was a big mistake, because I wasn’t alone. My flatmate, Natomb-something, was watching me closely — like that bellicious afande at the driver’s license center – waiting for me to do something incredibly stupid.She didn’t have to wait long.

“Why are you using dried maize and beans when we
have so many fresh vegetables?”

“ai we always use dried maize and beans back  home.”

“Don’t you know that fresh vegetables are more nutritious  than dried maize and beans?”

“I … well … uh …asi..yebo”

I felt like an accused murderer who had just been declared a bongo lala(read insane).

I could already  envisage her going on a character assassination mode spreading udaku to her best friend whom I had unaccomplished mission with.

Flatmate: “Hi,  Veliswa,This Kenyan guy is definitely
bonkers. He used maize and beans to make a
hard thing. Do you need any more proof that the guy is not worth a shot?”

Friend: “No dear, you’ve proved your case well. It’s
too bad I can’t  give it  to a guy who’s clueless in the
kitchen.”

Flatmate: “Trust me, my dear, that’s not the only
room he’s clueless in.”

I don’t know why my flatmate brought up nutrition. Had she ever seen me snacking on onion bulbs? Had I ever eaten a cucumber for dessert? In my world, such foods barely exist. I hurry past them in the grocery store as though they’re carrying something contagious.

Needless to say, my flat mate took over the cooking, tossing all sorts of fresh veggies into boiling water and probably wishing she could toss me in there too.

 Let this be a warning to all men: If you live with a woman, the kitchen is dangerous territory. You’d be safer in Mamba Village, wrestling with crocodiles. At least when they snap at you, it won’t hurt your pride or deflate your ego.

Just look at all the tools and gadgets in the kitchen and admit to yourself that you have no idea what some of them do. Don’t even bother with all the seasonings and spices. How can men be expected to understand coriander, cumin, oregano and periperi, when we’re still trying to figure out Salt and pepper? My flatmate has so many spices in so many bottles, I’m beginning to think she’s a collector . She has got not only garlic powder,but also garlic salt, and soon she’ll be getting I don’t know garlic what.

And what about the refrigerator? . Aside from occasionally fishing out  bottles of  Viceroy, I’m afraid to look through our freezer. It has far too many UFOs (unidentified frozen objects). Some have been frozen since Easter.

I am thinking of  moving flats, but then I am only good at  boiling githeri and maybe deep frying some eggs… I can’t stand my power-hungry flat mate but then I don’t want to starve to death..its a terrible way to die with an empty stomach.

This man can’t cook. What to do what to do?

TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY


   

Ever since I turned 27, my mom’s vocabulary
seems to have gradually shrunk. It now consists
of only about five words, usually arranged to
form this question: “When are you getting married?”

If I had a buck  for every time I’ve heard the
question, I’d be able to afford a mail-order bride.
Maybe even one who can speak Spanish.

My mom and others ask the marriage question so
often, I’m tempted to tattoo the answer on my
forehead: “I’m a journalist, not a psychic.”

But if I did that, my mom and I would never talk.
She’d just look at my forehead and shake her
head. And her expression would say: “Ngai Where
did I go wrong with this child?”

Sometimes, just for fun, I feel like scaring my
mom by saying I won’t get married until one of
these things happen:

-Ken Matiba has Thanksgiving dinner with  Arap Moi.

-Ross Perot produces a chart-topping rap
song. “My name is Ross, just call me boss.
When I become your president, the interns will
be more hesitant.”

-Eminem   and Elton John fall madly in
love — with each other.

-A pair of Catholic sisters are arrested for selling
drugs. (OK, this already happened. But I still
don’t believe it.)

It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage. I just
believe it should involve two people who love
each other so much, they’re willing to risk
living together.

It’s certainly a big risk. If the marriage goes sour,
you can lose some of your most prized
possessions. Just ask one Esther Passaris ex Boo.

Like me, most Kenyans believe in falling in love
before marriage. Many even believe in falling in
bed before marriage.

To me marriages are more suspect than Wacucu.