GOOD NEWS FOR THE LONELY BIRDS(BT)…TRY THIS AT HOME !

This morning, as I meandered the Mkebe I call my car through the booty to booty Durban traffic, a bumper sticker on an excessively supuu sports car caught my eye. It read, “Honk if you want me.” I was about to honk,because if there’s such a thing as love at first sight, this was it. I wanted that good-looking car.

Then I realized that the sticker was for the She driver,not the car. But I was not prepared to be a Chips Funga hata with a promise of an extra ball  somewhere between my legs…Eish Hapana!

I couldn’t help feeling a little angry though. Why didn’t I think of bumper stickers when I was lonely, horny and a desperado? Perhaps I could have found a She sooner, instead of waiting until I was too old to banjuka.

All those years in school drinking maziwa ya Nyayo and I couldn’t think of such a simple way to find a She. It’s no wonder people say that the Kenyan education system is flawed. Even in my Commerce class, the teacher had never said a word about bumper stickers, at least not on the days I was awake. For so many years, I wasted valuable space on my bumper. I could have placed several stickers, side by side, with messages such as:

-If you’re a lonely She, I’m dateable.
-Honk if you want me and you’re a She.
-Honk if you have a job and no diseases.
-Single man on board, needs someone to nag him.
- Man on board, needs more love than beer.
-Add some kamuti to your life.  Marry a Mkamba man.

Of course, I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I did find my lovely She through an advertisement – a Lonely Hearts ad in the Saturday Magazine (Nation). It cost a little more than a bumper sticker, but who said good romance is cheap?

While it’s too late for me to take advantage of bumper stickers — I’m encouraging all loyal BT passengers to consider bumper stickers and other kinds of ads.

Remember: Advertising isn’t just for beer companies and
politicians . If you’re reluctant to advertise, maybe that’s because you believe in destiny. You believe there’s only one special she/He for you and you’ll eventually run into that person, perhaps while visiting the Sukumawiki Kibanda in your hood, the estate Mall, your celebrated mama Pima joint or the local prison.

That’s a nice thought, but what if that special person happens to live in Turkana? And what if he or she has no intention of visiting your town?

If you want to be more certain of finding your mate, you
need to take control of your destiny. You need to spend some money and buy yourself a lorry ticket to Turkana. By the time you get there, you will be humming things to the effect that no thaos ($) no thighs.

No, seriously, you need to think about advertising, whether you’re a He or She or both. You can employ a variety of ads, depending on your time, budget (thaos) and level of desperation. Remember: Desperate situations call for desperate measures…

Remember: Ads are just a way of meeting people. You still have to filter out (reject, dump, ditch) the Kumbafu Mburukenge (KM), the ones who make your last blind date seem videadly breathtaking.

WARNING: Be very suspicious of a lorry Driver who spots your bumper sticker, honks and shouts, “Hey babe! What’s your number?”In such situations, it’s always a good idea to flash a card that says, “Hey Kumbafu Mburukenge!  My number is 911-G-E-T-L-O-S-T!”

Good luck all die-hard BT passengers. Your days are surely numbered. Soon, you will start counting your miracles one by one- Gilbert Deya style.