HELP…MAN CAN’T COOK

Hungry and wasted the other day, I tiptoed into the kitchen and tried to fix myself some hard thing  .That was a big mistake, because I wasn’t alone. My flatmate, Natomb-something, was watching me closely — like that bellicious afande at the driver’s license center – waiting for me to do something incredibly stupid.She didn’t have to wait long.

“Why are you using dried maize and beans when we
have so many fresh vegetables?”

“ai we always use dried maize and beans back  home.”

“Don’t you know that fresh vegetables are more nutritious  than dried maize and beans?”

“I … well … uh …asi..yebo”

I felt like an accused murderer who had just been declared a bongo lala(read insane).

I could already  envisage her going on a character assassination mode spreading udaku to her best friend whom I had unaccomplished mission with.

Flatmate: “Hi,  Veliswa,This Kenyan guy is definitely
bonkers. He used maize and beans to make a
hard thing. Do you need any more proof that the guy is not worth a shot?”

Friend: “No dear, you’ve proved your case well. It’s
too bad I can’t  give it  to a guy who’s clueless in the
kitchen.”

Flatmate: “Trust me, my dear, that’s not the only
room he’s clueless in.”

I don’t know why my flatmate brought up nutrition. Had she ever seen me snacking on onion bulbs? Had I ever eaten a cucumber for dessert? In my world, such foods barely exist. I hurry past them in the grocery store as though they’re carrying something contagious.

Needless to say, my flat mate took over the cooking, tossing all sorts of fresh veggies into boiling water and probably wishing she could toss me in there too.

 Let this be a warning to all men: If you live with a woman, the kitchen is dangerous territory. You’d be safer in Mamba Village, wrestling with crocodiles. At least when they snap at you, it won’t hurt your pride or deflate your ego.

Just look at all the tools and gadgets in the kitchen and admit to yourself that you have no idea what some of them do. Don’t even bother with all the seasonings and spices. How can men be expected to understand coriander, cumin, oregano and periperi, when we’re still trying to figure out Salt and pepper? My flatmate has so many spices in so many bottles, I’m beginning to think she’s a collector . She has got not only garlic powder,but also garlic salt, and soon she’ll be getting I don’t know garlic what.

And what about the refrigerator? . Aside from occasionally fishing out  bottles of  Viceroy, I’m afraid to look through our freezer. It has far too many UFOs (unidentified frozen objects). Some have been frozen since Easter.

I am thinking of  moving flats, but then I am only good at  boiling githeri and maybe deep frying some eggs… I can’t stand my power-hungry flat mate but then I don’t want to starve to death..its a terrible way to die with an empty stomach.

This man can’t cook. What to do what to do?