KENYAN MEN NEED EXCUSES TOO

There are hundreds of brilliant male scientists in beautiful Kenya most of whom do their jobs quite well. But just like our politicians, they’ve failed to fulfill their duty to fellow Kenyan men. They haven’t come up with scientific reasons for certain types of Kenyan male behavior. They haven’t given us adequate excuses for habits like leaving the toilet seat up, refusing to ask for directions and getting too intimate with the remote control.Kenyan Women, it seems, have a monopoly on the excuses. An example of this occurred some months ago in Mombasa. As reported by a reliable source, Amina Nuru, 23, was trying to turn her car right somewhere in Pembe za Ndovu (Moi Avenue) when a male driver behind honked and finally drove around her.Amina and the man exchanged obscene gestures. When they met again at a nearby gas station, she called the man “mwanaharamu” (Bastard) and then slapped him after they argued. Police cited her for disorderly conduct. Amina pleaded that she was pregnant. Her pregnancy had evidently caused her body to produce a surplus of a hormone called SMH (Slap Men Hormone).

She told a police officer that “when a female is pregnant, they are more emotional than normal.” This is why it’s always a good idea to wear body armour when visiting the maternity ward. You could get attacked from all directions.

Pregnant women are eager to slap men, because men never have to go through labour. This resentment probably goes back to the Garden of Eden: Adam was too busy inventing rules for football to attend the meeting where God handed out childbirth duties. Even the feminists haven’t figured out a way to share this burden with men.

But I hear Kenyan women have turned pregnancy into an advantage of sorts. A pregnant woman can get away with just about anything: turning baby daddy into an errand boy, consuming Kenchic delicacy for breakfast and ice cream for lunch, eating as if she’s giving birth to a whale.

Kenyan mamas who aren’t pregnant can also get away with pretty much anything, as long as the timing is right. Picture this courtroom exchange:

Judge: “Lucy wa Kibaki, the court has found you guilty of battering your  husband , get crashing in a Smart casual(dress code)Diplomats bash while dressed in yellow pajamas and holding hostages members of the fourth Estate, all in one night. Do you have anything to say?”

Lucy wa Kibaki: “Nyeeeee! Kwani you don’t know, it was that time of the month.”

Judge: “Case dismissed!”

If the insanity defense works, it won’t be long before our sisters invoke the PMS defense. There’s nothing that can’t be explained by PMS, which stands for either Perilous Mood Swings or Potential Male Slap. PMS usually lasts just a few days, but like a soccer game, can go into overtime. Of course, there’s a lot of scientific evidence to confirm the effects of PMS. Men can’t understand it all, but as with religion, we just have to believe.

If Kenyan male scientists would get their act together, maybe they’d discover a few afflictions for us. This would help us get some much-needed sympathy and ease all that guilt we feel.

Men who hate to ask for directions probably suffer from something like GCM (Going in Circles Mania). When pestered by his wife to stop at a, Supermarket, a brother could say,

“Sorry honey, Ngai! That darned GCM is acting up again.”

Men who forget to lower the toilet seat suffer from TED (Toilet Etiquette Deficiency).
“Baby haki pole, the doctor says it’s incurable.”

Men who skip church to watch soccer suffer from PDS (Priority Disorder Syndrome).
“You wouldn’t understand it, love. It’s a guy thing.”

Men who scratch themselves private places and in public suffer from PMI (Primitive Male Itch).
“Sorry honey, I can’t help it. It’s genetic.”

Men who caress the remote more than their women suffer from BPO (Button Pushing Obsession).
“Sorry honey, I don’t know which buttons to push with you. Do you have one for ‘mute’?”

Come on brother Arthur Obel, we need this a lot more than we need Kemron